No one knows how to react to the death of a loved one. No one knows what to say or how to say it.  That’s why the common “Sorry for your Loss” is everywhere. It’s no one’s fault, it is us, as a society, we have no grip on death’s reality and how to respond to it. We are grief illiterate.

Everyone is angry about losing someone and angry against certain people, institutions, and themselves. It’s ok to be angry, just don’t stay there too long. Guilt is another emotion you’ll feel, mostly because you’re angry among other things and that leads to anxiety.

How people are so insensitive to you as it relates to you losing a loved one and the time you need to process is another terrible thing to witness and be a part of.  You must not let it bother you. (I know, easier said than done), but try not to let their lack of sensitivity be your guide.

There is a lot out there to read about this whole process of grieving.  Anything written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is tops in my opinion.  Ashley Davis Bush has many grief related books and books of inspiration and meditation. One book is called “Transcending Loss”. Online there is even more.  Search for “Grief ” or “Grieving the loss of a loved one” or “Losing someone you love” and it will bring up many things for you to read about and find more resources. Also, there are many websites and face book pages dealing with loss and support for you. They can provide a place to openly speak / write about what you feel in forums and chat rooms. Many people will reply to you about what they are going through. It’s good to know you are not alone during this time.

Support groups are not for everybody and maybe for you, not yet, but sometime it may be worth trying to go to one or at least see a therapist one on one to just talk. If it doesn’t work out or you don’t like it, don’t go back. Wait a little, it still may be too soon for you.  Nothing wrong with that. Try again later. I encourage people in my group to do this.  I have spent years going to both after my wife died and it really helped me. Resources for groups and bereavement counselors / therapists can be found on the United Way website or just call 211 or search 211.org for information.  Some churches have their own groups or subscribe to griefshare.org (new window).

There is a face book series that is entitled “Sorry for your Loss” with Elizabeth Olsen in the lead role.  It is well written with providing the various levels of grief that one goes through after the loss of a spouse. There is also a three season Netflix series entitled “After Life” with Ricky Gervais in the lead role. Ricky wrote and directed this series.  This is well done and covers many dynamics of the grieving process. There is a documentary titled “Speaking Grief” that can be found at speakinggrief.org along with more information and resources concerning grief.

Many social service / hospice agencies / hospitals have grief support groups that are open to the public. Consult your family doctor for resources. They may have information to help guide you in a direction to seek additional support.

Some insight:

• Patience. This is a long process and it cannot be hurried or buried in work or by keeping yourself busy.
• Gently wrap yourself in the warm memories of your loved one.  Allow the love that held you close continue to bring you strength and comfort.
• Get through the next few days knowing that time does allow all of us to heal a little bit eventually.
• Surround yourself with those that feel the same way you do. Don’t allow those that feel differently or have another agenda affect your grieving process. Death, sometimes, brings out the best and worst in people.
• You carry your loved one with you in everything you see, say or do. Trust that they are with you as the loving voice in your head; it’s the one that expresses confidence in you when you are at your lowest.
• Love and Grief are a package deal.  You can’t have one without the other.

My heart aches for what you have loved and lost.  Sending positive thoughts with peace and comfort.

Sincerely,

Dominic Murgido
Author / Founder, sudSSpirit grief support group